The Sad Saga Of Audiophile James Robert Johnson
Disclaimer: This story contains graphic language and imagery and may elicit strong emotional reactions up to and including violence. Particularly vulnerable are individuals who may have owned Bose speakers prior to 1964. However we have done everything we can to keep the facts as far from the truth as possible to protect the identities of those still involved in litigation. To those who are vision impaired we strongly advise not listening to the audiobook version while operating heavy machinery or a motor vehicle.
From the beginning, herein lies the sad story of James Robert Johnson. A person that worked hard his whole life to provide for his family and one day hopefully fund his closeted love for Aboriginal jazz music recorded all analog on a original Neve mixing board in two channel with vintage Neumann microphones . One day, JRJ found an old oil lamp when cleaning out his three car garage. The Genie from within gave him three wishes. Although specific details of the transaction are still sealed as classified by the government of Arizona, JRJ sold his soul directly to the Devil to which the Genie was working as a subcontractor. After years of delayed gratification and compromise JRJ finally arrived at audio Nirvana, or so he thought. He even gutted his retirement account and took out a second mortgage to fund the accessories the Genie Oversight Committee denied classifying the purchases as “Irresponsible, injudicious, and grossly excessive”.
After months in customs, In the shadow of the packing crates from DHL, FedEx, and UPS, hot in his trembling and sweaty little manicured hands lay the command and control remote, Hand hewn from pure Beryllium engraved with his initials. Standing before him a vision akin to the eighth wonder of the world. The latest and greatest pair of bespoke speakers with driver material imported from the planet Mars because it sounds better than Uranus. Hooked up to hand made, mono block, Pure Class Negative A amplifiers formed from solid blocks of copper and turquoise mined by elves in the Black Forrest of Germany. All connected to pure solid core ribbon Francium cables, named after Greek Gods embedded in a micro fine layer of aged organic goat yogurt because it has no skin effect. Leaving nothing to spare, he hired two retired engineers from the local power company to co-develop his own power plant, right next door, with 2.9 Hectatonnes of pure unadulterated alternating current , converted to direct current, and visa versa indefinitely. All virgin power was connected directly to signature power outlets, in a waterfall configuration. During the weeks it was all warming up, bedding in, and running itself in - he hired the very same acoustical design company that was rumored to tune Chris and Tom Lord-Alge’s recording studios. Standing behind him, the owner and salesperson of the local Unobtanium HI FI shop who were fingering each others new Rolex’s in delight. The CEO’s of half of the components he bought were also in attendance grinning "oui oui" from ear to ear. All holding freshly poured glasses of Moët, his favorite song of all time was on cue. What could possibly go wrong…
From the first note, a strange flood and swirling storm of conflicting emotions almost incapacitated him the longer he listened. Trying not to show his disappointment, he was almost brought to tears. Unfortunately - for seemingly all of the wrong reasons. Hearing the high fives of the HI FI Elite behind him also fueled his confusion. He thought to himself through the tidal wave on confusion, “It sounds impressive, but I expected emotionally orgasmic... This has to sound amazing? They all seem to think so. This system cost as much as my first house!" Everything he thought he knew about good sound was now in question. "Am I the problem? It sounded amazing when I first heard it through my iPhone on Youtube! I even verified on my laptop! What could be wrong? I’ve read every neutral and completely unbiased review in The Definitive Sound News! This shit was even at Audio Mecca, SEMA, CES, and The Rocky Mountain Horror Audio Show. Mainstream media even said this is the Editor's Choice Of The Year? They would never lie. That New Wanker feature "What Component Names To Look For In A Really Cool Audiophile"… The Robbed Report article "What To Buy When You Have More Money Than Everyone" issue… Every trusted YouTube darling and expert swore this would end my search forever! The reviewers even bought the deeply discounted almost free review samples!?!?! WTF! Maybe after more champagne this will sound better.” Might as well drink it, you paid for it. That night after the last Executive Escalade left he lay in bed staring at the ceiling with a swirling stomach of insomnia and nausea reconsidering his life choices and sanity. The thoughts of what else he could have spend this money on rolled in one tidal wave at a time, Be careful what you wish for Jim Bob, You might pay to actually meet your hero one day and they aren't exactly who you thought they were.
Enter Sandman. Reality - Peering Behind The Curtain - Everything Is Not Always As It Appears In OZ
Please sit down my friend and get your kids to sort you an edible. Pour yourself a whiskey to keep on standby - I’m here to bring some distorted reality (through no fault of our own) into view.
It is almost IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to source and set up a HI FI system that is set up by an completely unbiased professional NOT wanting or needing to push new equipment or accessories on you.
Even me. I’m here to propose that you might need my services.Therefore, I am biased. Let’s get that out of the way. My client relationships have to be embedded and built upon a foundation of complete honesty, truth, and trust. Contrary to what one might think, I am NOT a conspiracy theorist. Unfortunately as a society we have caused many of these issues ourselves. More on that later. But at some point, your sanity and happiness must enter the picture. YOU will and must always be the final judge and jury. It’s YOUR system and the only person's opinion that matters on how it sounds is YOU.
Now to the million dollar questions.